“Oh man, this could be weird. I’m not pretty enough to hang out with them.”

I followed up that thought by mentally scanning my closet for something that would make me feel more confident. It was easily a full minute before I caught myself.

What on EARTH am I doing? Where did that thought come from??

This happened a couple of weeks ago and it hasn’t left my mind yet. So here you go, blog friends. I’m writing it and them I’m leaving it.

Honestly I’m not sure if I’m more annoyed that I had the thought in the first place, or that I didn’t catch it right away. I have my insecurities just like anyone else. On a “fat day” my introvert self is especially wary of being around people I don’t know that well. So I’ll chalk up the original thought to just an off day.

I know better than to let someone judge my worth – or imagine that judgment – based on how I look. That’s just ridiculous to me and not the sort of people I hang out with anyway.

And holy SMOKES does this sound like high school. Good grief, L. Get a grip. I need to think about the ever stunning Jennifer Lawrence and all her goofy awkwardness that makes her one of the most likable women in Hollywood. Then I feel better.

P.S. I think this post just became an excuse to search “Jennifer Lawrence embarrassing gifs.”

So there it is. I had a high school-esque moment of insecurity. The solid lack of self-confidence felt foreign; maybe that’s why I haven’t been able to shake it.

At the end of the day, we all simply want to be valued/appreciated/liked/accepted/etc. and the uglier side of that desire rears its head every so often. That face is getting a kick in the teeth as I strut my confidently imperfect self on my merry way.

*

How do you handle those insecure moments?


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I’ve been thinking about the concept of listening recently, in two ways:

• What does listening look like? How do I do it?

• How do I know I am being truly listened to?

Because everyone wants to be heard, right? And anyone who knows another well enough to have more than 4.3 arguments is familiar with the back and forth “you’re not really listening to me!” “Yes, I am listening, you’re not hearing me.”

Or, if you’re a confidant and a friend shares with you drama with their partner/friend/co-working/etc., it’s often easier to see where the parties involved aren’t truly hearing each other.

So we are good at spotting when someone else isn’t listening. Not so good at realizing it about ourselves.

I think listening takes a lot of courage. It’s hard to stop talking. It’s hard to not make your point. It’s hard to hear something you think is wrong and not correct it. It’s hard to be vulnerable. It’s hard to face something you want to ignore. It’s hard to be wrong. It’s hard to walk away when necessary.

Just some musings from the last few days. I’m challenged to listen more. To think outside myself more. To trust my instincts more.

What do you think?
Does listening take courage?
Do you think you listen well or are listened to?


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{PilotingPaperAirplanes.com}

Today I’m all about joy.

I am decidedly NOT the most cheerful person ever. I can be really happy or really upset, but most of the time my emotions don’t show in a dramatic way. I’m more stoic.

{Which, btw, I just looked up: “of or pertaining to the school of philosophy founded by Zeno, who taught that people should be free from passion, unmoved by joy or grief, and submit without complaint to unavoidable necessity.” Interesting.}

Certainly, when I do express outbursts of emotion, anger or frustration is the easiest. Joy and cheerfulness, those are much harder. Pain is perhaps the hardest. Pain may disguise itself as anger on the surface, but actually expressing pain I feel… this is where anxiety kicks in. I really do not like being vulnerable.

Perhaps joy is best remedy for pain. Perhaps joy distracts from pain. Perhaps focusing on and finding joy in the ordinary makes any pain less intrusive. Perhaps joy leads to healing.

Focus on joy this week!
What simple things bring you joy?


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Balcony garden {PilotingPaperAirplanes.com}

I so want a garden this year and the spring weather this weekend that is gone by today got me all inspired. A quick pinterest search and I’m FULL of ideas. People have some quite unique things! Here are a few:

Gorgeous, yes??? How’s that for some Monday motivation full of sunshine and bright colors?

I think this year we’ll start a bit simpler than some of these, since neither of us are experienced gardeners. In fact, I think I’ve killed most things I’ve attempted to grow. BUT. I really really really love fresh green stuff, I want at least an herb garden, and some bright fun flowers would be awesome. Our balcony get’s a lot of direct sun so I’ve got some researching to do.

Any gardening tips?
Have you grown a balcony garden?
What’s you favorite thing to grow – or favorite fresh-from-the-garden food?


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{PilotingPaperAirplanes.com} Lunch Date, cafe, coffee

Let's go out {PilotingPaperAirplanes.com}
I need to know where this is. Meet me here. The bright colors and sunshine are killing me.

I am in serious need of a coffee date.

Not because I like coffee. Tea is more my style. But because I need some “friend” time.

It’s draining, this whole “new city” thing. Most of my conversations are with people I’m getting to know. And going to places I haven’t been. And trying to figure out where in the heck do I find this?? (Insert various random things from the last couple months).

I miss being around people who really know me, you know? (I will say making a cross-country move with a partner makes it 1000 times easier. At least Jon and I are lost together!)

This blog knows me pretty well by now. Maybe better than I want it to through some “never-to-be-published-but-need-to-write-my-thoughts-out” posts. And since you and I are pretty much internet BFF’s by now, I’m just going to pretend we’re out to lunch together.

I’d tell you how I’m probably going to run another 10k this spring instead of a half marathon. I’ve had trouble finding a half that I can still register for… and honestly the thought of more serious training right now doesn’t make me all that happy. In prepping for the 10k I can continue working hard on my speed but not worry about building mileage again. There seem to be more half’s scheduled in the fall, so I’m looking at May 10k and September half mary.

Maybe a couple more sprinkled in, but I think I’m immune to the “racing bug” so this seems perfect.

If you’re into blogging I might also bounce some re-branding ideas off you. Not a serious re-branding… in fact that’s maybe the wrong way to put it. More that this blog has evolved since I started it and I want to update my about sections to better represent what PPA is now. It’s all still a jumbled mess in my head so I’d try to define it more concretely by talking it out and getting your feedback.

I might tell you how much I really think I belong in London and should be best friends with Jenna Coleman, Matt Smith, Andrew Scott and Benedict Cumberbatch. Or how about this: probably I should just be pals with all the BBC peeps. If that doesn’t work out I’m positive JLaw and I would be serious BFFs or I could get a job as one of Brad and Angie’s army of nannies because I think they’re both class acts.

I can’t help it you guys! Movies are my favorite (plus the greatness on TV these days; anyone else excited for Vikings and Game of Thrones soon??) and I can’t just leave it at “oh! She’s that girl from that one thing!” I kind of need to know everything about an actor I like. Don’t check my search history. No but really. It’s embarrassing.

If things get serious I may venture into politics/faith/advocacy stuff. But probably not. It’s been a period of serious introspection and mulling and “good LORD, world, get your shit together!” and trying to get an idea where I fit and frankly, that’s exhausting. Except if you get me slightly started in this general area of conversation be prepared for an avalanche. Just saying, you’ve been warned.

Finally, since we’re at lunch in real life, I’d tell you how amazing it is to see you and that you should totally visit again. What’s the point of moving to a new city that happens to be a really cool one if friends don’t come visit and explore with you? Ok, there are lots of excellent reasons to move, I know, but new adventures with old friends might be one of the most fun. Consider yourself invited! We have two air mattresses and a metro card with your name on them. Waffle breakfast? Homemade pizza? Lot’s of free stuff to do? Anyone?

What would you tell me about if we went to lunch?


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