Tag Archive for: worth

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|inspiration| The chaos of creativity

The chaos of creativity {PilotingPaperAirplanes.com}

Why is it that inspiration always – and I do mean always – comes as I’m getting ready in the morning or on my walk to work? Moments when I can’t jot some notes in a post draft. “I’ll do it when I get to work,” I always say. “All I need is 3 minutes to type a few notes so I can write about this later.”

Hm, right. I get to work, make my tea, chat with co-workers, open email, check some articles and any creativity I had is gone. One a good day I can remember a shred of what I wanted to write. Most days it’s lost. The result is that I don’t post regularly.

Because here’s the thing. I’ve  never been one to push out blog posts everyday just to publish something new. I write when I’m inspired and motivated. I write when I have something to say. When I’m building my mileage again and have thoughts on running; or chatting with a friend about yoga and want to share how I practice at home; or when I’m writing a marketing article for work and it seems a good fit to adapt for the blog; or when I’ve made a new piece of clothing and do a style post.

I never blog for the sake of blogging. I blog for the sake of creating.

For me, in this space, that’s personal. PPA has a .518713% chance of ever generating revenue because that’s not how I’ve built this blog. My post “schedule” is random, the content is varied and social media marketing for PPA is sporadic at best.

Maybe I’m rebelling because digital marketing is my day job and I want a break here. Maybe it’s because my ideas and interests change on a whim so I don’t like being tied to one blog theme. I realize this doesn’t add up to blogging best practices and I’m more and more comfortable with that. In the past I’ve struggled with this creative chaos; now I’m embracing the ebbs and flows of inspiration.

One week I want to write about everything, another I sew 2 new tops, and another I take apart old jewelry make something new. I’m embracing the fact that sometimes these projects go unfinished as my inspiration moves on. It doesn’t have to be about the final product, but simply about the joy I have in the process. (Even if that means unpublished posts and storing a collection of art supplies).

I want to create. I want to share and learn and teach and vent and process. I want to grow through what I write in this white box. It will never generate high page views but it will inspire me. On a good day, maybe it inspires you, too.

Thanks for reading, friends.

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How are you most creative?
Do you thrive in creative chaos
or with organized lists?

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|reflect| The courage to be honest with confidence

The courage to be honest with confidence | PilotingPaperAirplanes.com

Hi!

This will be a bit of a rambler post – apologies in advance. I’ve been musing on this for a while and haven’t quite found the flow to write about it… so I think I’m trying too hard. Here are my thoughts in all their un-finessed glory.

I was first challenged by this post titled “I’m not pregnant. It’s just my belly.”

I can relate in that I have a body type that fits some “beauty standards” (hourglass figure and a full bra size); for the most part I’ve always been happy with my shape. I’ve also always carried some extra pounds. The confidence in my curvy figure or honesty about my health have varied over the years. Still, I’m generally pretty comfortable in my skin.

But even on a good day, I don’t think I could manage her final thought:

“After some time and a few breaths, I smiled and unwrapped my jacket from my waist. I decided to let my little belly be. I wasn’t confident the whole time, but I was honest. And if you ask me, honesty is damn sexy.”

My response to the article had me confused. I wanted to be all “body confidence, yay! I dress for myself not anyone else. One person’s dumb comment doesn’t need to ruin my day. *quietly repeats calming mantra to refrain from poking out eyeballs*.” In the moment, I think that’s exactly how I would have responded.

But because I lived the story in private through another’s writing, the immediate impulse to put on a brave face didn’t happen. Instead I wanted to cry. I mentally tied that jacket around myself and hid.

My reaction confused me because it was honest. Raw. Vulnerable. Even weak. The list of people who see this part of me is short and I don’t open up easily. The post served as a mirror and what it showed me was uncomfortable.

Maybe it has hit me stronger because I’m particularly aware of my body lately. It is spring, after all. The tank tops and skirts are coming out while the magazines urge me to slim down for summer. It’s probably the hardest time of year (because once the summer heat and humidity hit, I don’t care so much how I look and just about staying cool).

This thought process is showing me that personal confidence and courage are not the same thing, and most importantly, that honestly trumps both.

If you made it through my rambling, high five!

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How are you feeling this spring?
Confident, courageous or honest?

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“I’m not pretty enough for them”

“Oh man, this could be weird. I’m not pretty enough to hang out with them.”

I followed up that thought by mentally scanning my closet for something that would make me feel more confident. It was easily a full minute before I caught myself.

What on EARTH am I doing? Where did that thought come from??

This happened a couple of weeks ago and it hasn’t left my mind yet. So here you go, blog friends. I’m writing it and them I’m leaving it.

Honestly I’m not sure if I’m more annoyed that I had the thought in the first place, or that I didn’t catch it right away. I have my insecurities just like anyone else. On a “fat day” my introvert self is especially wary of being around people I don’t know that well. So I’ll chalk up the original thought to just an off day.

I know better than to let someone judge my worth – or imagine that judgment – based on how I look. That’s just ridiculous to me and not the sort of people I hang out with anyway.

And holy SMOKES does this sound like high school. Good grief, L. Get a grip. I need to think about the ever stunning Jennifer Lawrence and all her goofy awkwardness that makes her one of the most likable women in Hollywood. Then I feel better.

P.S. I think this post just became an excuse to search “Jennifer Lawrence embarrassing gifs.”

So there it is. I had a high school-esque moment of insecurity. The solid lack of self-confidence felt foreign; maybe that’s why I haven’t been able to shake it.

At the end of the day, we all simply want to be valued/appreciated/liked/accepted/etc. and the uglier side of that desire rears its head every so often. That face is getting a kick in the teeth as I strut my confidently imperfect self on my merry way.

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How do you handle those insecure moments?

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Joy is the best rememdy

{PilotingPaperAirplanes.com}

Today I’m all about joy.

I am decidedly NOT the most cheerful person ever. I can be really happy or really upset, but most of the time my emotions don’t show in a dramatic way. I’m more stoic.

{Which, btw, I just looked up: “of or pertaining to the school of philosophy founded by Zeno, who taught that people should be free from passion, unmoved by joy or grief, and submit without complaint to unavoidable necessity.” Interesting.}

Certainly, when I do express outbursts of emotion, anger or frustration is the easiest. Joy and cheerfulness, those are much harder. Pain is perhaps the hardest. Pain may disguise itself as anger on the surface, but actually expressing pain I feel… this is where anxiety kicks in. I really do not like being vulnerable.

Perhaps joy is best remedy for pain. Perhaps joy distracts from pain. Perhaps focusing on and finding joy in the ordinary makes any pain less intrusive. Perhaps joy leads to healing.

Focus on joy this week!
What simple things bring you joy?

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A dark side of health bloggers

A dark side of health bloggers {PilotingPaperAirplanes.com}
A dark side of health bloggers {PilotingPaperAirplanes.com}

My bubble of “healthy-living bloggers are such a supportive and positive community” was just popped.

As happens so often on the internet, I was caught in a rabbit trail that led to me to Get Off My Internets, a forum site dedicated to venting and skewering bloggers. I then spent more time than I want to admit reading through forum pages of some big healthy living and running blogs.

I am ashamed.

I only scanned the forums for blogs I know. Many of them are long gone from my personal reader for various reasons. I even agreed with a lot of what I read. Or at least ended up agreeing. The power of suggestion went something like this: Oh yeah, I guess that is annoying. It always bothered me when {blank} wrote {blank}. Now I know why. Even worse: I understand how {blank} could be irritating, but I never noticed. Except now I will. Every time.

It seems I have avoided a dark corner of the internet until now. I understand discussion and disagreement on the internet as a form of social learning and development. Previously private conversations now play out on a grand scale online. Hello comment sections! Many times I learn more scanning through comments than I do from an article itself, despite some horrible things people say behind online anonymity.

Some of the forums hit on important questions, like “do healthy-living blogs encourage disordered eating and workout obsessions”? Um, yes. I would love to have that conversation!

Do fitness blogs encourage workout obsessions? {PilotingPaperAirplanes.com} Do health blogs encourage disordered eating? {PilotingPaperAirplanes.com}

Other comments raised concerns about whether specific bloggers are actually healthy. This isn’t really anyone’s business besides them and their doctor… but I’m willing to give a pass here with reservations. When you read a blog for a long time, you pick up trends. When a blogger starts to take a seemingly negative turn, regular readers notice. Is this worth discussion in a public forum? I’m not convinced, but it does raise some concern that a blogger with a lot of social influence could hurt readers in the process.

What made me hang my head in shame was the general bitching:

• “I hate how she writes with. so. many. periods.”
• “All she does is whine and complain, I can’t stand it.”
• “I’m so tired of reading how she’s the perfect Christian SAHM who gets to run every day.”

And the kickers that get a rise out of me so fast:

• “I never thought she had a great body anyway.”
• “She thinks she’s way better looking than she is.”
• “Why does she always wear pants like that? They make her legs look awful!”

EXCUSE ME??

….

There are no words. I’ve been staring that this screen for several minutes and still don’t have anything short of a full-out scream fest in response.

The worst part is these forums are often started and maintained by other health bloggers. People who [should] sure as hell know better. Who [should] understand how much those words really matter. It is pretty evident in the forums that many of the bloggers themselves keep tabs. So not only are we bashing and shaming these people, we’re doing it knowing they are likely to read it. And we’re announcing that its OK to belittle someone with such a lack of basic respect.

The solution is stunningly simple: you don’t like a blog anymore, don’t read it. The opinions you can keep to yourself – or at least behind the privacy of email with friends, not a public forum. Good gracious. If you can’t say something nice…?

My happy online corner of beautiful people accomplishing extraordinary things full of encouragement and support just had a dark shadow creep in. Pardon me while I go watch these adorable goats playing. And some JLaw funny moments. Maybe some Benedict Cumberbatch clips. I need to find a happy place again.

Your turn:
Are these forums valuable?
What serious conversations should fitness/health/lifestyle bloggers be having?
Am I simply overreacting?

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